The Newer, More Improved SOCK IT TO ME Thread

[Brock 3,456]

Bobby: Oh, can you act?

Lucy: Can I act? Can I ACT?! WHAT ROOM IS MY HUSBAND IN?!

Bobby: Four-Twenty-Three!

Lucy: THANK YOU!!!... Ya see?!

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Lucy: Miss Lewis, I had a long talk with my husband and ---

Miss Lewis: Oh, "husband!" That's the most beautiful word in the English language!

[Brock 3,456]

Miss Bankhead: My heart speaketh "Yea" in clarion tones that beat like an anvil inside my breast. My heart cries "Yea, Yea, Ye-- WHO WROTE THIS?!

His Wife: My husband!

Miss Bankhead: How divine!

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Just recently I ran into a friend... unfortunately, for her I was driving. We have been friends since... I have known her ever since we were the same age. I didn't even recognize her! That's how bad the job was. She walked up to me and said, "Hello, Phyllis!"  She said, "I have found the most divine, new plastic surgeon!" I said, "I don't know how divine he is, but I'm sure he's new." She said, "I love him! He works so cheap." HAHA!!! I said, "I can tell you something else about him - he's left handed." We went to lunch. I couldn't eat. You should see this broad when she chews: nothing hits!   HAHA!!! But, deep down, she knows she's in trouble. She says, "Do you think this might hurt my career?" I couldn't think of one single career it wouldn't hurt. I said, "Well, what do you do?" She said, "I'm a lipstick model." 

[JoeySanJoaquin 1,059]

Just recently I ran into a friend... unfortunately, for her I was driving. We have been friends since... I have known her ever since we were the same age. I didn't even recognize her! That's how bad the job was. She walked up to me and said, "Hello, Phyllis!"  She said, "I have found the most divine, new plastic surgeon!" I said, "I don't know how divine he is, but I'm sure he's new." She said, "I love him! He works so cheap." HAHA!!! I said, "I can tell you something else about him - he's left handed." We went to lunch. I couldn't eat. You should see this broad when she chews: nothing hits!   HAHA!!! But, deep down, she knows she's in trouble. She says, "Do you think this might hurt my career?" I couldn't think of one single career it wouldn't hurt. I said, "Well, what do you do?" She said, "I'm a lipstick model." 

What's this from???

[HarryCarter 1,289]

What's this from???

 

 

Jim Bailey's Phyllis Diller routine in "Lucy and Jim Bailey."

[Brock 3,456]

I am the good prince Lancelot. I love to sing and dance a lot. I have an eye for a da-da-daa --

Wait. None of this "da-da-daa!" You have words, they're good words. Let's use them.

Good words?! Lancelot?! Dance a lot?! Who wrote this?!

Who wrote it? Did you ever hear of Victor Herbert?!

Yeah.

Well, all right then. Go ahead.

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Peggy: Do you still know how to dance?!

Lucy: I think I can recall a few variations on the Turkey Trot.

[Brock 3,456]

Lucille, is the camera all set?

All set.

Now I'd like to ask you a question that could only apply to you.

What's that?

Do you have any film in the camera?

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Remember that TV pilot film Ricky was going to make?

Remember it? We've all been nice to him for days in hopes he'd use us it in.

Well, we can go back to being our normal, nasty selves. He already made it.

[Brock 3,456]

Assistant: We now need a volunteer from our audience. Why, thank you madame! What is your birthday?

Lucy: August Sixth.

Assistant: August Sixth what?

Lucy: August Sixth period!

Assistant: What year?

Lucy: He's the mind reader. Let him tell you!

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Fred: What was the name of that mind reader?

Ethel: Alexander the Great! What a mind reader. He could tell you anything about yourself.

Fred: Barney, whatever happened to him?

Barney: He's working for the Income Tax Department.

[Brock 3,456]

Diana: Ricky, you haven't danced with me all evening!

Ricky: I've been dancing with my wife.

Diana: Well, what's the matter with Ralph and Freddie?

Ricky: They've been dancing with their wives too.

Diana: What's this world coming to?!

Ricky: Yeah, well...

[HarryCarter 1,289]

It just so happens that chatting helps bones to heal.

Oh, this may be a major breakthrough in orthopedics, "chatting helps bones to heal."

And speaking of "heel!" That reminds me of toe, which reminds me of feet, which reminds me of dancing.

Only you would talk about dancing to a man with a broken leg. 

[Brock 3,456]

If one word of this gets back to my wife, so help me I'll foreclose on your mortgage!

Alright, Big Boy.

[HarryCarter 1,289]

How was your trip?

I enjoyed it immensely! You know, no matter how many years you are in the banking business there's always something exciting about a foreclosure!

[Brock 3,456]

Now, Viv, what do you think? Do I look rundown?

How would I know? I never saw you at your peak.

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Look at me, Ethel.

Look at me and smile.

Make up your mind, I can't do both.

[Brock 3,456]

Mooney: Now, Colonel, does Mrs. Carmichael look like the sort of person who would hurt anyone?

Captain Sol: You should see what she did to Carol Channing.

Countess: I thought she was very good!

Lucy: So did I.

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Don't you think it would be better if you got an actress to play me? Someone like Raquel Welch.

Carol Burnett?

Don Knotts?

[Brock 3,456]

Lucy: Where do you think you will go from here?

Carlos and Maria:

Lucy: ... I say, where do you think you'll go from here?

Carlos and Maria:

Carlos: ... We do not.

Lucy: Wee Donut? Sounds like someplace in Arkansas.

[HarryCarter 1,289]

Is the phone for me?

Yes. It's one of my girlfriends and she's trying to help her daughter with her Spanish homework for school and she wanted to know if you could help.

What does she want to know how to say?

"The check is good."

"The check is good?" That's a funny thing for a kid to know how to say.

Well, it's probably one of those sentences they have to write out. You know, like, "Do you have an umbrella?" "Do you have a match?" "The check is good." 

[Brock 3,456]

Eddie, have you ever thought what it would be like to have your own woman to saw in half?

[HarryCarter 1,289]

 Harry, it's you! 

How did you know?

Well, next time you play a woman shave off your mustache!

I forgot all about that. I was having so much trouble with my pantyhose. 

[Brock 3,456]

Katy: So help me from certain angles you look like that actress, Lucille Ball.

Liz: Oh, she's pretty! Do I look anything like her, Iris?

Iris: Nah. Lucille Ball never saw the day she looked as young as you do.

Liz: ... Well, thank you. I think.