Brock Posted July 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2014 Bobby: Oh, can you act? Lucy: Can I act? Can I ACT?! WHAT ROOM IS MY HUSBAND IN?! Bobby: Four-Twenty-Three! Lucy: THANK YOU!!!... Ya see?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted July 3, 2014 Report Share Posted July 3, 2014 Lucy: Miss Lewis, I had a long talk with my husband and --- Miss Lewis: Oh, "husband!" That's the most beautiful word in the English language! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted July 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2014 Miss Bankhead: My heart speaketh "Yea" in clarion tones that beat like an anvil inside my breast. My heart cries "Yea, Yea, Ye-- WHO WROTE THIS?! His Wife: My husband! Miss Bankhead: How divine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted July 3, 2014 Report Share Posted July 3, 2014 Just recently I ran into a friend... unfortunately, for her I was driving. We have been friends since... I have known her ever since we were the same age. I didn't even recognize her! That's how bad the job was. She walked up to me and said, "Hello, Phyllis!" She said, "I have found the most divine, new plastic surgeon!" I said, "I don't know how divine he is, but I'm sure he's new." She said, "I love him! He works so cheap." HAHA!!! I said, "I can tell you something else about him - he's left handed." We went to lunch. I couldn't eat. You should see this broad when she chews: nothing hits! HAHA!!! But, deep down, she knows she's in trouble. She says, "Do you think this might hurt my career?" I couldn't think of one single career it wouldn't hurt. I said, "Well, what do you do?" She said, "I'm a lipstick model." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeySanJoaquin Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 Just recently I ran into a friend... unfortunately, for her I was driving. We have been friends since... I have known her ever since we were the same age. I didn't even recognize her! That's how bad the job was. She walked up to me and said, "Hello, Phyllis!" She said, "I have found the most divine, new plastic surgeon!" I said, "I don't know how divine he is, but I'm sure he's new." She said, "I love him! He works so cheap." HAHA!!! I said, "I can tell you something else about him - he's left handed." We went to lunch. I couldn't eat. You should see this broad when she chews: nothing hits! HAHA!!! But, deep down, she knows she's in trouble. She says, "Do you think this might hurt my career?" I couldn't think of one single career it wouldn't hurt. I said, "Well, what do you do?" She said, "I'm a lipstick model." What's this from??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 What's this from??? Jim Bailey's Phyllis Diller routine in "Lucy and Jim Bailey." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted July 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 I am the good prince Lancelot. I love to sing and dance a lot. I have an eye for a da-da-daa -- Wait. None of this "da-da-daa!" You have words, they're good words. Let's use them. Good words?! Lancelot?! Dance a lot?! Who wrote this?! Who wrote it? Did you ever hear of Victor Herbert?! Yeah. Well, all right then. Go ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 Peggy: Do you still know how to dance?! Lucy: I think I can recall a few variations on the Turkey Trot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted July 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2014 Lucille, is the camera all set? All set. Now I'd like to ask you a question that could only apply to you. What's that? Do you have any film in the camera? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 Remember that TV pilot film Ricky was going to make? Remember it? We've all been nice to him for days in hopes he'd use us it in. Well, we can go back to being our normal, nasty selves. He already made it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted August 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2014 Assistant: We now need a volunteer from our audience. Why, thank you madame! What is your birthday? Lucy: August Sixth. Assistant: August Sixth what? Lucy: August Sixth period! Assistant: What year? Lucy: He's the mind reader. Let him tell you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted August 23, 2014 Report Share Posted August 23, 2014 Fred: What was the name of that mind reader? Ethel: Alexander the Great! What a mind reader. He could tell you anything about yourself. Fred: Barney, whatever happened to him? Barney: He's working for the Income Tax Department. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted September 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2014 Diana: Ricky, you haven't danced with me all evening! Ricky: I've been dancing with my wife. Diana: Well, what's the matter with Ralph and Freddie? Ricky: They've been dancing with their wives too. Diana: What's this world coming to?! Ricky: Yeah, well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted September 25, 2014 Report Share Posted September 25, 2014 It just so happens that chatting helps bones to heal. Oh, this may be a major breakthrough in orthopedics, "chatting helps bones to heal." And speaking of "heel!" That reminds me of toe, which reminds me of feet, which reminds me of dancing. Only you would talk about dancing to a man with a broken leg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted September 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 26, 2014 If one word of this gets back to my wife, so help me I'll foreclose on your mortgage! Alright, Big Boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted September 26, 2014 Report Share Posted September 26, 2014 How was your trip? I enjoyed it immensely! You know, no matter how many years you are in the banking business there's always something exciting about a foreclosure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted September 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 26, 2014 Now, Viv, what do you think? Do I look rundown? How would I know? I never saw you at your peak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted September 27, 2014 Report Share Posted September 27, 2014 Look at me, Ethel. Look at me and smile. Make up your mind, I can't do both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted September 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2014 Mooney: Now, Colonel, does Mrs. Carmichael look like the sort of person who would hurt anyone? Captain Sol: You should see what she did to Carol Channing. Countess: I thought she was very good! Lucy: So did I. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted October 6, 2014 Report Share Posted October 6, 2014 Don't you think it would be better if you got an actress to play me? Someone like Raquel Welch. Carol Burnett? Don Knotts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted November 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 Lucy: Where do you think you will go from here? Carlos and Maria: Lucy: ... I say, where do you think you'll go from here? Carlos and Maria: Carlos: ... We do not. Lucy: Wee Donut? Sounds like someplace in Arkansas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted November 13, 2014 Report Share Posted November 13, 2014 Is the phone for me? Yes. It's one of my girlfriends and she's trying to help her daughter with her Spanish homework for school and she wanted to know if you could help. What does she want to know how to say? "The check is good." "The check is good?" That's a funny thing for a kid to know how to say. Well, it's probably one of those sentences they have to write out. You know, like, "Do you have an umbrella?" "Do you have a match?" "The check is good." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted November 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2014 Eddie, have you ever thought what it would be like to have your own woman to saw in half? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HarryCarter Posted November 25, 2014 Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Harry, it's you! How did you know? Well, next time you play a woman shave off your mustache! I forgot all about that. I was having so much trouble with my pantyhose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Posted November 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2014 Katy: So help me from certain angles you look like that actress, Lucille Ball. Liz: Oh, she's pretty! Do I look anything like her, Iris? Iris: Nah. Lucille Ball never saw the day she looked as young as you do. Liz: ... Well, thank you. I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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