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Gary letters

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Caewi    19

Last of the letters I have.  More of a note.  A bitchy note.

 

Written on Gary’s stationary.

 

 

This is a disgrace and I know you know I mean it! I’m so glad I bought you all the jewelry cases and some of the watches al of your 5 mall drawers area damned disgrace!

  

I wonder what she is referring to?? Did he not keep it in order?? Did he just carelessly toss those watches around?? I would sure like to know :)

Lol, do you think she was kidding? If not then ouch. No wonder she had a more content second marriage, she had a parent / child relationship with him it would seem. Clean up your drawers before I give you more watches! Although you'd think they have a cleaner for that sort of stuff.

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GeneaLady    13

Last of the letters I have.  More of a note.  A bitchy note.

 

Written on Gary’s stationary.

 

 

This is a disgrace and I know you know I mean it! I’m so glad I bought you all the jewelry cases and some of the watches al of your 5 mall drawers area damned disgrace!

The best part is that it's written on his own stationary. Who knew you could be passive aggressive, bitchy, and a comedian simultaneous? No wonder she's the Queen.

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Luvsbway    2,003

Dearest Gary-

 

Six years ago –almost that long now-I told you about the thing I dreaded the most in our marriage-if we ever married-and it was just this type of “having to prove” that I was concerned about. I know that now you are beginning to understand-but I know it doesn’t make it any easier for you-but we must be very careful Gary-the two of us- because it can affect us. I have gone thru it before and I know it will “get to me” again if I have too much of it-so we must try to avoid it hurting us. I know how hard it is for you-you know I do- because I told you about it from the beginning. But there is a way of going around it and not hitting it head on. And this you must trust me to do for you-don’t panic and just try to continue in your wonderful easy helpful way and I shall be very grateful- and so will you in the long run. Things are not easy for any of us- and especially hard for me sometimes-harder than I can tell you. So don’t let it get to you as much as it is beginning to –please. So long as you know I understand that’s half the battle and other never really will-until a certain passage of time-which if you just go along your gentlemanly way-will be sooner that you think- if I don’t fall apart. Sometimes everything piles up on me-and I’m nearing one of those times again-and I’m not looking forward to it. Let’s be very careful-very conscious of what we have and don’t want to lose. I hope you read this carefully-I love you-and need the Gary I married- not one as worried as I am.

 

Your wife

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JoeySoCal    1,006

Dearest Gary-

Six years ago –almost that long now-I told you about the thing I dreaded the most in our marriage-if we ever married-and it was just this type of “having to prove” that I was concerned about. I know that now you are beginning to understand-but I know it doesn’t make it any easier for you-but we must be very careful Gary-the two of us- because it can affect us. I have gone thru it before and I know it will “get to me” again if I have too much of it-so we must try to avoid it hurting us. I know how hard it is for you-you know I do- because I told you about it from the beginning. But there is a way of going around it and not hitting it head on. And this you must trust me to do for you-don’t panic and just try to continue in your wonderful easy helpful way and I shall be very grateful- and so will you in the long run. Things are not easy for any of us- and especially hard for me sometimes-harder than I can tell you. So don’t let it get to you as much as it is beginning to –please. So long as you know I understand that’s half the battle and other never really will-until a certain passage of time-which if you just go along your gentlemanly way-will be sooner that you think- if I don’t fall apart. Sometimes everything piles up on me-and I’m nearing one of those times again-and I’m not looking forward to it. Let’s be very careful-very conscious of what we have and don’t want to lose. I hope you read this carefully-I love you-and need the Gary I married- not one as worried as I am.

Your wife

What the hell was she talking about?? I'm totally lost!

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Luvsbway    2,003

I didn't know for a long time either than someone here figured this out. What I think she is talking about is the crap she went through with Desi, that he was just thought of as a bongo player and he had to prove his worth to be on the show, to prove he could run the studio.

 

So maybe she told Gary they are just going to say you're just a comic and have no business being married to Lucy and that he has no experience in TV as she continued to work his way into the studio business. Maybe 6 years in Lucy was aware of what people were saying about him behind her back. Maybe Gary was hearing it too and it was bothering him. I think Lucy was just aware of knowing she had to build up a husband because people were knocking them down.

 

As for her solution I have no idea what she's talking about but you can see what was going on was bothering here and it sounds like she was going to be facing a tough situation soon and needed his support and wanted to make him feel better so they were both strong.

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JoeySoCal    1,006

I didn't know for a long time either than someone here figured this out. What I think she is talking about is the crap she went through with Desi, that he was just thought of as a bongo player and he had to prove his worth to be on the show, to prove he could run the studio.

 

So maybe she told Gary they are just going to say you're just a comic and have no business being married to Lucy and that he has no experience in TV as she continued to work his way into the studio business. Maybe 6 years in Lucy was aware of what people were saying about him behind her back. Maybe Gary was hearing it too and it was bothering him. I think Lucy was just aware of knowing she had to build up a husband because people were knocking them down.

 

As for her solution I have no idea what she's talking about but you can see what was going on was bothering here and it sounds like she was going to be facing a tough situation soon and needed his support and wanted to make him feel better so they were both strong.

 

Wouldn't this have been around the time she was dealing with Viv and her "ultimatim" (so to speak) to have her salary and roles expanded to be virtually "even" with Lucy and whether or not they were going to meet her demands?? That would certainly fall under the "stressful situation" category! :blink:

 

Then too around then Lucie and Desi Jr. were also becoming teenagers and perhaps it had something to do with that?? I guess we'll never really know but it reminds one that there were certain points in her life despite all the success and career accolades, she had her tough times too! :vanda:

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Luvsbway    2,003

I'm not sure really to where to count from with the 6 so it's either 66' or 67'. The letter isn't dated. Heck it's not even on paper. It's written on a manilla envelope. I think whatever it was she really felt she had to write it down quick and grabbed the first thing to write on.

 

All good thoughts Joey. The studio sale was coming up around this time too. I love seeing her vulnerability and worries because it reminds us how human she was.

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Will    55

Probably is the studio sale being the big event coming up.  Viv's decision would have been made a year or two before this and she guest starred on Viv Visits Lucy aired 1/9/1967 so filmed in 1966 so they were getting along fine.  

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JoeySoCal    1,006

Probably is the studio sale being the big event coming up.  Viv's decision would have been made a year or two before this and she guest starred on Viv Visits Lucy aired 1/9/1967 so filmed in 1966 so they were getting along fine.  

Pondering this yes, it probably was such a big deal as the sale but as Shelly said the letter wasn't dated so 1) we can only approximate what timeframe this was written in and 2) we'll never really know so I guess it doesn't really make much difference. :blink:

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leenorman    504

More FUN to figure out who the HECK FOUND this VERY PERSONAL piece of thought; and why in the world was it saved by SOMEONE!!!!  That's intriguing to me.......  :fabrary:

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Luvsbway    2,003

Well Lucy and eventually Gary saved it as it was part of the Widow Morton auction when she decided to clean out the Palm Springs house.

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Luvsbway    2,003

Dearest adorable Gary.

I’m going home for a while because I feel like such a drag—and you deserve better. I’m going to try and get to feeling better somehow. I don’t know how—but perhaps someone can help me. I’m not really fit to be around.

Please stay here and enjoy your golf and some uninterrupted solitude without worrying about me. I’ll be back again soon. Hopefully I’ll have my sense of humor back—if I ever had any. I’m going to see DeDe, Doctors—Dentists and nothing much else. Want you to know I love you very much.

Your missus.

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Neil    1,327

Like everything Lucy--especially later in life Lucy--the "Gary thing" is  full of contradictions.  There's this "I adore Gary/he's his own man" angle and then there are the stories of her emasculating him in front of others at work.   Have we determined whether Gary signed a prenup agreement?

Their marriage had "doomed" written all over it.  The age difference,; the 'rebound' aspect since it hadn't been that long ago that a reconciliation was considered; having Desi still her business partner, Gary coming to California with nothing to do; being step-father to 2 kids who probably resented his presence at least for a while.  But mostly  the vastly different status in show business--- Lucy: adored by the world and Gary with not much, if any, career opportunities in front of him.   He never rose to the comedian status of even lesser known comics: Shelley Berman and Jan Murray for examples; and at over 35, he probably wasn't going to. 

As much as people didn't like him, I have to hand it to Gary for keeping his dignity as much as he did.  He might not have been good at picking projects and scripts for Lucy's career but he did end up producing that Tom Cruise movie, a hit as I remember, and his acting stints on Lucy's show and his 2 movies weren't bad.  And at least Lucy didn't end up (in her words) "rich and alone" like so many of her contemporaries.  Few of them had husbands past the age of 50.

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Luvsbway    2,003

When I read these letters, I had, in the past saw them two different ways. Either Lucy was trying to make Gary feel better about himself, the marriage and all the things that you listed that he had to overcome in the marriage. Then some have pointed out that maybe Lucy was trying to convince herself all those years that she was in love with Gary, that she didn’t make a mistake that she couldn’t get out of due to dear of being alone, or what the public might say.

But after I read Paula’s book they took on a new light to me. Lucy admitted to Paula that she knew Gary was not in love with her when they first were together but grew to love her over time. So maybe in those letters, all those years Lucy was trying to convince him that she loved him, needed him, relied on him. She points out things about how good she thought he was at work, with her kids, and in some goes on for a long time about how she is grateful that she met him when she did and he turned her outlook on life around. This letter and another show all her insecurities. Here Lucy thinks she is not fun to be around and I’ve seen one where she apologizes for being a bore. Further back I posted one where she wonders if he is tired of the marriage and then points out all the good things yet to come. So maybe deep down she felt that Gary might leave her.

For so long the story on Gary was he came out to CA and lived in Lucy’s guest house before they got married. Paula presents a different story. Lucy left NYC and went home. Gary wanted to follow her, so he borrowed money from his sister and mom, drove out and landed on Lucy’s doorstep. Wary of a living situation with the kids around she got him an apartment near by.  I know Gary did some club dates after they were first married, as I’ve seen it referenced in articles on them circa fall 1962. And wasn’t his appearance on Ed Sullivan after they were married. I have a hunch when Gary got to “work” at Desilu he thought to hell with this comedy crap. The articles I found reference him getting an office built on the lot and looking into opening a golf center.  

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JessiLu    32
7 hours ago, Luvsbway said:

But after I read Paula’s book they took on a new light to me. Lucy admitted to Paula that she knew Gary was not in love with her when they first were together but grew to love her over time. So maybe in those letters, all those years Lucy was trying to convince him that she loved him, needed him, relied on him. She points out things about how good she thought he was at work, with her kids, and in some goes on for a long time about how she is grateful that she met him when she did and he turned her outlook on life around. This letter and another show all her insecurities. Here Lucy thinks she is not fun to be around and I’ve seen one where she apologizes for being a bore. Further back I posted one where she wonders if he is tired of the marriage and then points out all the good things yet to come. So maybe deep down she felt that Gary might leave her.

My theory is that Lucy wrote the letters to reassure Gary of her love for him, to dispel any suspicions of her still holding a torch for Desi.

Look at the circumstances - during her marriage to Gary, she was still very friendly with Desi to an unusual degree. (I mean, let’s face it, not everyone talks to their ex-husband on the phone several times a week - or by some accounts, every day.) Lucie has said that she couldn’t find a single person who knew both her parents who didn’t feel they continued to be in love with each other until the day they died. I remember one book quoting someone who worked on ‘Here’s Lucy’ who claimed that Desi would attend the tapings to support their kids, and when he’d visit backstage, it was clear that there was a tremendous pull between him and Lucy. Lucy tried to hide it by busying herself or going to her dressing room, but that electricity was there.

So if friends and business associates saw a spark, don’t you think Gary saw it?  Not to mention that Lucy and Desi were still very much a legendary couple in the public’s eyes and living on in reruns every day. I think his comment after Lucy’s passing - “at least she’s happy now, she’s with Desi” - says it all.  

I believe that Lucy went out of her way to mask her true feelings for Desi, especially around Gary. That’s why she came across so harshly in the Barbara Walters interview, and that’s why she was always so reluctant in interviews to say that she still felt some form of love for Desi, even when he would openly say it in interviews. She only said it towards the very end of Desi’s life.  I suspect she didn’t want to give even a hint of her true feelings for Desi, mostly for Gary’s sake. Desi, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care.

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Luvsbway    2,003

I love how you say that Desi didn’t care in regards to him still professing his love for Lucy. When I was going through my death tape from 1989 I found a bit of a 1980s interview with Desi and he said she was one you only get in a lifetime.

You have to admire Lucy and also feel bad for her at the same time that she cared so much to make sure she knew Gary was loved. I mean it’s not easy to be constantly reminded of the former husband everywhere you look, the kids, sharing the same house, the show, their names forever linked.

And then knowing that Lucy could not openly show her ongoing love. Saying only that it was a changed love, one more of understanding and friendship. I go back again to those Desi love letters Lucy kept in her lingerie drawer in the bathroom. They had to be very close to her to keep them so physically close to her all those years. I wonder how many times she reread them.

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Luvsbway    2,003

Sunday

Gary Darling,

You’ll never know how much I love and need you-- appreciate how loving and good you are—You really are special and adored. “The Mrs.”

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JessiLu    32
8 hours ago, Luvsbway said:

I love how you say that Desi didn’t care in regards to him still professing his love for Lucy. When I was going through my death tape from 1989 I found a bit of a 1980s interview with Desi and he said she was one you only get in a lifetime.

However, this begs the question: should Desi have taken more of a cue from Lucy in that regard? I believe it was Kaye Ballard who said that Edie was a very unhappy woman because she knew in her heart that Lucy was the first love of his life, and she was the second. Perhaps he would have done well to wear less of his heart on his sleeve, for his second wife’s sake.

Edie seemed to be a class act. If what Robert Osborne said was true about Lucy coming to visit Desi at times when he was ill, and Edie would close the door and let them have their time together – how gracious of her.
 

8 hours ago, Luvsbway said:

You have to admire Lucy and also feel bad for her at the same time that she cared so much to make sure she knew Gary was loved. I mean it’s not easy to be constantly reminded of the former husband everywhere you look, the kids, sharing the same house, the show, their names forever linked.

I’m in the middle of reading Paula Stewart’s book right now, and agree – Gary followed her to LA and he knew exactly what he was getting into. He may have had his motives for marrying Lucy, especially if he didn’t love her at first. She probably had her own motives. (Whether it was fair to Gary and to her kids to rush into a second marriage when she clearly was still in love with Desi is a whole other conversation.) I believe both of them went into it with their eyes wide open.

I also think of the flip side of this as well – Desi’s perspective. What it must have felt like to have the ex-wife he was still in love with bring her new husband into the studio to work alongside them. Desi said that it took him a long time to accept the fact that he and Lucy were no longer married, and it had to be so painful for him. Not that he didn't make his own bed. But regardless, it's an incredibly sad love triangle. I'm sure Lucy felt really torn as well, which ultimately led to her buying Desi out.

To Gary’s credit, he was very gracious as well. Desi wanted to hate him and had a volatile personality, but as far as we know Gary did nothing to stir the pot, and was even nice and complimentary to Desi.

 

8 hours ago, Luvsbway said:

And then knowing that Lucy could not openly show her ongoing love. Saying only that it was a changed love, one more of understanding and friendship. I go back again to those Desi love letters Lucy kept in her lingerie drawer in the bathroom. They had to be very close to her to keep them so physically close to her all those years. I wonder how many times she reread them.

This reminds me of the interview Lucy sat for with Dr. Chirban (audio excerpt available here: http://www.drchirban.com/interviews.html). I’ve read a transcript that said she started to cry at this point in the interview. The doctor observes that he senses “care and love” when she talks about Desi, yet she won’t acknowledge the “love” part of it, saying only “care and understanding.” It’s fascinating to me that, even when asked directly about it, she avoids saying she feels love for him in ANY form.  

I think the love letters hidden in a drawer in her personal bathroom are perfectly representative of how she internalized her feelings for Desi after the divorce. She tried to hide the fact that she was still in love with him with friends, family and the public, yet in her most private moments – when she was all alone -- she found an outlet for her true feelings. Whether she and Desi ever found an outlet together is another question – and something, I’m sure, the public will never know. 
 

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Luvsbway    2,003

Desi was I think too open in the press about how much he loved Lucy post 1960. There is one article when he was in the hospital circa 72’ where he said Lucy came to cheer him up and did better than Edie. Now that’s a bit harsh, but maybe that was during the time she wanted to leave him over his health issues. 

I think Edie is a damn saint. She knew the whole family years before she became a part of it. Lucie said they were playing with their future step-brother in the 50’s during the summers in Del Mar as Edie and her first husband were staying with the Durantes. I think she knew at some level what she was getting in to. And who knows what she openly saw of the Arnaz marriage in the 50s. Maybe she saw the cracks then. But from everything I’ve heard about her it’s that she was just a doll, a term Lucy called her. I crossed paths with a guy on Facebook who was friends with her son Greg. He said Edie would drive them around in her big Cadillac and sing to them. She just seemed like light and joy. Lucie said Edie knew how to “handle” her dad. I just wish I knew much more about her. And that’s really sad to know she was unhappy knowing she was second best. I do know Kaye said in the commentary to the Mother-In-Laws set footage that Desi adored Edie. I’ve also heard Lucie say that Edie just loved when he would play his guitar and sing to her.

As far as Desi’s perspective on him having Gary around the studio. I listened to an interview with Bernie Weitzman he did on Stu’s Show years ago. He said a leading factor for Desi wanting to sell the studio (and knowing Lucy would take it) was that he just couldn’t handle seeing Lucy with Gary. Granted yes, Desi wanted out since the late 50s, but seeing yourself replaced daily had to hurt deeply.

And as for Gary I have never heard him knock Desi at all. Even with all the stories friends and family have told over the years, not one bad word. I think he knew his place and sort of lived by the rule, just keep Lucy happy. In keeping her happy you don’t go bitching about the other person she is in love with.

That interview you link. Harry Carter here posted the pdf of the book that has the interview in. If you don’t have the full interview let me know and I can email it to you as the link doesn’t work anymore. That interview is fantastic and Lucy let her guard down in it, as evidence by how the Dr. writes about her demeanor and how he reacted to and treated her. She must have felt safe with him to talk about Desi and also allow herself to cry so much while talking about him.  I just wonder why even in 1982 she could not say that she still loved him. It’s all such a fascinating mystery on how her mind works. How she rationalized things and how guarded she was.

It seemed like the love letters in the drawer came as a revelation to even Lucie when I’ve heard her discuss them. That it was those letters she didn’t have in the scrapbooks. That they were just too personal to her. And from the home movies it seemed that they weren’t all rosy sunshine letters either. They questioned and doubted each other in them, but that they had the underlying tone of deep deep love. Maybe Lucy was still trying to figure where it all went wrong. She seemed to be doing that in the BW interview. And I really wish they found an outlet together.

How are you enjoying the Paula book? Curious on your reactions when you are done.

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JessiLu    32

Regarding the hospital stay, I seem to recall Desi saying that Lucy was more concerned / worried than Edie was (rather than "better"), but I could be wrong. Interesting tidbit either way -- especially the fact that Lucy chartered a plane from Snowmass to come visit him in the hospital, if I recall correctly.

I would definitely like to know more about Edie myself, and how much insight she had into the Lucy/Desi marriage. Marcella Rabwin (another Del Mar neighbor) once said that Lucy and Desi were so close to her and her husband Marc that they would fight openly in front of them. I doubt that was the case with Edie, but it would be interesting to know if she was just a neighbor that Lucy and Desi were friendly with or if they were close friends. (My guess is the former.) At the very least we know that Desi tried unsucessfully to hit on Edie in the early 40s, and Lucy and Edie used to play cards together. If Lucie ever writes a book, I would especially want to know more about Lucie's relationship with Edie since she has referred to Edie as her "best friend." I'd also like to know more about the tidbit that Edie considered leaving Desi over health issues -- I've heard that on message boards but haven't seen it in any interviews. 

Regarding the whole Lucy buying Desi out thing -- some accounts say that Desi made the first move to leave, while others say that Lucy made the first move and essentially forced him to leave, which he didn't fight. I wonder what the real story is. Either way, I'm sure both of them knew it wasn't working. 

I'm enjoying Paula's book and will share my thoughts so far over at the Paula book thread. 


 

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JessiLu    32
On 4/27/2018 at 10:14 AM, Luvsbway said:

And as for Gary I have never heard him knock Desi at all. Even with all the stories friends and family have told over the years, not one bad word. I think he knew his place and sort of lived by the rule, just keep Lucy happy. In keeping her happy you don’t go bitching about the other person she is in love with.


So I just finished reading Paula Stewart's book and have some new thoughts about this. Apparently knocking Desi wasn't Gary's style. He probably knew that was a battle he wouldn't have won. Paula called his style "passive aggressive." She believed that Gary's remodeling the house in Palm Springs -- and especially taking out a fountain Desi had built -- was due to his jealousy of Desi. Paula also believed that Gary got rid of Lucy's longtime lawyer, Micky Rudin, because he was trying to get rid of the "Desi regime" and replace it with people who were loyal to him. It reminded me of what Carole Cook and Marcella Rabwin have both said about Gary trying to shoo all of her friends away from her in their first years of marriage because he didn't care for anyone who had been important to her during her years with Desi, and he wanted to be the dominant factor. 

A second thought about the Palm Springs remodel: I wonder if sentimental feelings toward what she had built with Desi was one of the reasons Lucy was so upset about the remodel? It would be in keeping with a comment that one Desilu exec once said about Lucy not letting anyone use Desi's office at the studio for years after he left the company, because of her "psychological connection" to him.

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Luvsbway    2,003

The getting rid of her lawyer was a big revelation and I don’t understand why Lucy went along with that. He was fully ingrained in Desilu and was the number one factor in having Lucy sell the studio when she did. You’d think Gary would be happy about her getting rid of the studio and then he gets to basically run her production company. Unless Mickey didn’t like the business practices that Gary was doing.

The house remodel is interesting as I’ve heard so many stories about it. None conflicting though. They just fill in more and more details.  The fountain bit was new and shocked me. Here’s some stuff I’ve heard. Frank said that Gary wore Lucy down in bugging her to let him remodel the place. So, he did it all without any of her input. The weekend they went down after it was finished Gary showed back up at Roxbury a few hours later. Frank went out to get his bags and he didn’t have any. Sounds like Gary got the hell away from a ranting Lucy as fast as possible. Paula fills in the stuff I wanted to know like what poor choices did he make. And she was dead on about Lucy not liking change.  All accounts of the story had Lucy threating to divorce him over the mess and they didn’t talk for days. For Lucy to get so mad over a remodel that was just ugly does raise the question to if there was something more symbolic about that house.

Other than Chatsworth it was the one property they built from the ground up. Knowing Desi was a weekend builder himself, having done many things on the ranch, I’m sure he was very hands on with their architect to make that place suit their needs. And I have way more photos of Lucy and Desi in that house than Lucy and Gary. Maybe Lucy felt safer down there when the marriage was bad compared to the Roxbury house. That was the house I least associate with Desi. He didn’t even see it before Lucy bought it. The move in story with the broken pipes was brought up in court.  Also when Lucy came back after Wildcat she changed all the colors in the house. She said it was so depressing with all the walls gray. She then added art to the walls too.

I am a bit confused with the remodeling Paula talks about. She said the PS house was during Mame. But I thought it was earlier. And I always thought the bathroom remodel was during Mame as a surprise to Lucy. But Lucy didn’t go out of town for Mame. So how was it a surprise when they are doing construction in your sleeping area ( I spent 3 weeks with a bath remodel, thought I was going to lose my mind.)? So it does make sense to me that if Lucy was busy with Mame she would not have had time to go to PS.

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