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The Affairs of Clarabelle

Lucy convinces Mooney to help a bright young lady farmer and invest in a beef farm. When the beef raising goes bust -- and bull upon bull fails to keep the cows contented -- Mooney convinces Cheever to put Lucy on indefinite suspension. To bet back into the bank's good books, Lucy and Mary Jane join forces with Mary Jane's rural Aunt Gussie to form a covert bovine insemination service without the knowledge of Mooney, Cheever, or the Farmer in question.

 

Guest Stars: Mary Wickes (Aunt Gussie), Betty White (Farmer)

 

Clarabelle Takes A Tour

Thanks to Lucy and Mary Jane's services, Clarabelle is producing one set of twins after another and Betty's business is booming. To expand their business, Mooney decides to back them in taking the show on the road to the World Agricultural Expo in Tijuana. When they get there, things are going great -- until Clarabelle and her herd clap eyes on Maximiliano the Bull and all bets are off. Wanting to get a piece of the action, cows get restless, break free and run amuck through the expo. Unfortunately, Mary Jane was called away on a studio emergency so it is up to Lucy to keep the herd and Max's matador owner to keep the two apart. When Lucy and the Matador take a shine to each other and lose sight of their objective, the World Agricutural Expo is turned on its ear.

 

Guest Star: Desi Arnaz (Senor Rafael Del Gado)

 

Ice Cream Too Much

Lucy, Harry, and Mary Jane conspire to sell the Proud Penguin Franchise to an unsuspecting young married couple just out of high school who are trying to make a success of their life. While initially happy to have their money back, Lucy and Mary Jane have second thoughts and devise a series of schemes to get Harry to buy back all three stakes in the franchise.

 

Young Couple: Tim Matheson and Jennifer Leak

 

Bottom Hat

Tommy Tucker, the Toy Tycoon, returns to the Unique Employment Agency -- this time with a fart silencer. When he recruits Lucy to go on TV to hawk the fart silencer -- along with his device to turn lights on and off with a hand clap (that will never fly!) and kooky idea to grow vegitation on wet terra cotta -- they come under fire from the FCC.

Guest Star: Wally Cox

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The Matching Carpet

When Old Grover breaks down on the way to pick up Jerry and Sherman from Uncle Ned's, the likeliest place to find a phone and call the auto club is at the nudist colony they passed a couple of miles back. Told it will be another three hours before they can get there to tow the car, the girls decide to throw caution to the wind and take it all off. After all, when in Rome! However, after the girls walk into the Lounge are and find Flo, the Manicurist there with her latest gentleman friend, soon many more people beyond Lucy's hairdresser and Mr. Mooney know for sure.

 

Guest Star: Joi Lansing (Flo)

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Ice Cream Too Much

Lucy, Harry, and Mary Jane conspire to sell the Proud Penguin Franchise to an unsuspecting young married couple just out of high school who are trying to make a success of their life. While initially happy to have their money back, Lucy and Mary Jane have second thoughts and devise a series of schemes to get Harry to buy back all three stakes in the franchise.

 

Young Couple: Tim Matheson and Jennifer Leak

 

 

This has to be the cleverest title of all time....and actually a pretty viable episode. There really should have been a Proud Penguin story arc.

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I take that back. It's the co-cleverest along with this one.

Joi Lansing as Flo? I was picturing more Iris Adrian.

And the only thing you left out was that when the girls arrive at the nudist colony, Lucy recognizes the social director as one of the Unique Employment Agency clients!

The Matching Carpet

When Old Grover breaks down on the way to pick up Jerry and Sherman from Uncle Ned's, the likeliest place to find a phone and call the auto club is at the nudist colony they passed a couple of miles back. Told it will be another three hours before they can get there to tow the car, the girls decide to throw caution to the wind and take it all off. After all, when in Rome! However, after the girls walk into the Lounge are and find Flo, the Manicurist there with her latest gentleman friend, soon many more people beyond Lucy's hairdresser and Mr. Mooney know for sure.

 

Guest Star: Joi Lansing (Flo)

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Re: The Matching Carpet

And the only thing you left out was that when the girls arrive at the nudist colony, Lucy recognizes the social director as one of the Unique Employment Agency clients!

 

And another Unique Employment Agency client at the nudist colony: that pitted olive pimento patter who can't leave his job at home and gets in trouble with the management.

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Lucy Takes a Sh*t with John Ritter

John Ritter can't do his play because he's terribly constipated and in pain. Lucy, of course, volunteers to be his potty pal, and sits in the next stall to walk him through it.

 

Lucy, Legal Weeble

Lucy's idea for a new roly-poly toy has already been done before and she soon finds herself in the middle of a copyright infringement lawsuit by Hasbro.

 

Drugs Among the 2x4s

Curtis doesn't want anyone to know about the pot Leonard's been providing him so he statshes it in between the stacked lumber. Guess who finds it when she moves all the stacks from L for Lumber to W for Wood?

 

Lucy & the Bard Moose

Is it Lucy's imagination, or is the moose she hired to guard Curtis's store quoting Shakespeare? Trouble is, she's the only one who can hear him so nobody believes her.

 

'Twas the Shite Before Christmas

Ted & Margo lay down the law: there will be no Christmas presents the following morning unless whoever left a floater in the pool fesses up. Everybody claims ignorance. Not wanting to miss their presents, Curtis & Lucy start trying to finger the kids and the kids start trying to finger the grandparents, until it becomes embarassingly clear that it's nothing more than Curtis's chocolate bar that Lucy meant to throw in the trash but missed.

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Lucy Takes a Sh*t with John Ritter

John Ritter can't do his play because he's terribly constipated and in pain. Lucy, of course, volunteers to be his potty pal, and sits in the next stall to walk him through it.

 

Lucy, Legal Weeble

Lucy's idea for a new roly-poly toy has already been done before and she soon finds herself in the middle of a copyright infringement lawsuit by Hasbro.

 

Drugs Among the 2x4s

Curtis doesn't want anyone to know about the pot Leonard's been providing him so he statshes it in between the stacked lumber. Guess who finds it when she moves all the stacks from L for Lumber to W for Wood?

 

Lucy & the Bard Moose

Is it Lucy's imagination, or is the moose she hired to guard Curtis's store quoting Shakespeare? Trouble is, she's the only one who can hear him so nobody believes her.

 

'Twas the Shite Before Christmas

Ted & Margo lay down the law: there will be no Christmas presents the following morning unless whoever left a floater in the pool fesses up. Everybody claims ignorance. Not wanting to miss their presents, Curtis & Lucy start trying to finger the kids and the kids start trying to finger the grandparents, until it becomes embarassingly clear that it's nothing more than Curtis's chocolate bar that Lucy meant to throw in the trash but missed.

 

Haha I'd forgotten I'd even done these ones!

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Be a Gal

Ricky contemplates a sex change.

 

The Gun Fans

Lucy & Ethel take their NRA membership too seriously.

 

God, God Lucy

It's official. Lucy is not mortal. She's a deity.

 

Shafted

Lucy's been unfairly turned down by Ricky to appear at the club one time too many. Time to fight fire with fire!

 

Nude Neighbors

Lucy & Ethel are shocked that the new tenants are managers of a nude beach and hardly ever wear clothes at home. The wife is blonde and attractive so the boys don't mind as much.

 

The Geezer

Ethel finally tells Fred exactly what he is.

 

Lucy Weighs Cleopatra

Lucy bets Elizabeth Taylor that she weighs less than her, and old Pudgy Digits is horrified to learn that Lucy is right.

 

Bandolier Women

The girls are off to join their husbands in the draft.

 

The Toxicity Agent

Lucy and the Mertzes try to get Ricky to see how harmful his new agent will be for his career.

 

The Sex o'Phone

To earn extra money in order to buy a new hat, Lucy works from home as a phone sex operator during afternoons

 

Ricky's Cold Girlfriend

A sad Ricky is asked to identify the body of Carlotta Romero, and confronts Lucy after the coroner finds red hair under Carlotta's fingernails

 

Detrimental Anniversary

Lucy is not amused when Ricky suggests a threesome for his anniversary present. Will this anniversary be the last?

 

Boil Swells

Turns out Vitametavegamin causes the drinker to break out in boils, and Lucy's vast intake leaves her in misery.

 

Lucy's Pub Dance

Mrs. Ricardo can certainly dance well on top of the bar after a few pints.

 

Ricky's Spleen Test

Ricky is hospitalized to see if he needs his spleen removed, and Lucy undertakes an epic quest to sneak into the hospital to stay the night with him.

 

Ricky Smells the Car

Ricky's nostrels get to work to find out who's BO stains have permeated the seat fabric

 

Mooney's Other Strife

Turns out Mrs. Carmichael isn't the only inept secretary Mr. Mooney has to deal with each week...his cousin Harry's secretary, Mrs. Carter, drives him nuts as well!

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Rosie Palm Springs

Well, with the weather so bad, what else are Ricky and Fred gonna do all day!?!?

 

Took me a minute to get this one....I thought "Rosie WHO?"

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Hahaha. I thought that one was clever on my part. Perhaps my best yet (IMO)

...though the thought of Fred Mertz reaching into his union suit......EGAD!!

Perhaps Frawley missed the period in his script between 'stars' and' nuts.'

"Just when I had the chance to see the Hollywood star's nuts!"

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“With Viv as a Friend, Who Needs an Enema?

 

Viv’s new obsession with Cuban cooking is giving the Carter family recurrent bouts of Montezuma’s Revenge.

 

“Lucy Plays Cleopatra Jones”

 

On this “lost,” very un-PC episode, Lucy and Mary Jane compete for the lead role in their club's stage adaption of the "blaxploitation" film. (And you thought Lucy's Asian gardener bit was cringe-worthy? See you around, Super Honkie! ;) )

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Lucy, Fart-Time Wife

Now that she's married again, Lucy fights fire with fire when her new hubby starts stinkin' up the joint.

 

Lucy & Ma Carter

So how exactly did dinner turn out with Lillian Carter at the Whittaker's? Watch and find out!

 

Lucy Shites The System

When a recently fired woman comes to Lucy for help, Lucy responds by leaving the manager "presents" on his doorstep until he hires the woman back.

 

Lucy Loses Her Drool

That novicane shot at the dentist didn't wear off fast enough, and Lucy short-circuits a microphone at a speaking engagement that afternoon.

 

Lucy & Eva Peron Are Hospital Roomies

Lucy's broken leg is nothing next to Evita's cancer, but laughter proves to be the best medicine when Lucy's antics cause Eva so much joy that she goes into remission...and throws Argentina into a revolution.

 

The Ricardo's Visit Aruba

After getting fired from Club Babalu, Ricky moves his family and the Mertzes down to Aruba where they set up an operation printing phony college degrees.

 

Country Schlub Dance

As an April fools joke, Ricky tells Lucy they're going to a ho-down at the country club and they dress like hillbillies. Unfortunately for Lucy, it turns out to be a formal dance!

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A Punchy Players Spinoff:

 

Second Stop -- Roadtripping across the country with Ann Miller at the wheel, Lucy, Judy and Julie make an ill-fated stop at a swank Chicago motel. After checking in, Judy realises she has no money and the girls make a daring escape out of the hotel to avoid paying the bill -- Julie hiding under Judy's overcoat and Lucy inside Ann's hair. Tired of holding her head up after such a long journey, Lucy relieves Ann at the wheel and, getting tired herself, stops for the night at a fleabag cabin owned by a "Baby Dear"-singing Van Johnson.

Guest Star: Van Johnson

 

Tennessee Hound -- after Ann is caught by a small-town sheriff (Hermes Pan) for speeding through town, the girls are locked up in the local clink. Hermes will only let them out if they take his twin daughters, Itsy and Bitsy (Jayne and Audrey Meadows) off to Hollywood with them. Ann concocts a cunning square tap dance routine as a diversion.

 

Ann's Hometown -- After days and days in the car with Ann Miller, Lucy, Judy and Julie have heard nothing but good things about Chireno, TX. Everybody there, man and woman, is very conscious about keeping an air of both glamour and mystique. They're all beautifully dressed, and every woman has her hair as high and solid as can be from hourly applications of only the best hairspray. When our girls arrive, they find a desered ghost town, burned to a crisp by a hole in the ozone layer directly above their city centre. The only person left? Ann's tattooed, pierced, blue jean wearing niece Heather.

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I love that the sheriff is Hermes Pan....

 

“In Palm Springs”

The girls decide to get away from their annoying spouses, but in Palm Springs, their individual habits get on each other’s nerves: Julie’s “sickening sweetness”, Lucy’s bluntly brayed observations and Judy’s Ritalin-driven nervousness resulting in her jingling pill bottles in her pocket.

Judy:”So I jingle my pills a little..”

Lucy: “A little? For 25 years I’ve felt like I’ve been friends with the Good Humor Pharmacist!”

Meanwhile Judy discovers her spouse Mark Heron in the bungalow next door with Rock Hudson.

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