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The Lucille Program: An Episode Guide


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So, we've done numerous episodes moving forward in time, alternate realities, spin-offs, you name it. But, let's turn back the hands of time and pretend television was invented decades before it actually was, and Lucy was born one generation earlier, and in the prime of her television career in the late 1920s and 1930s! So, presenting a HL/TLS takeoff set in Great Depression.

 

1.1 -- Hep, Hep Lucy

Falling on hard times, Harry must make a tough choice between keeping on his efficient morning secretary and his lousy, afternoon secretary. Thinking he can kill two birds with one stone and keep his afternoon secretary on for peanuts as she's family and and support his nephew and next-of-Kim, he keeps on his sister-in-law, Lucille. Craig and Kim are something of musical prodigies -- boy, can that girl foxtrot! -- and have booked themselves to entertain at a swanky birthday party, doing their send-up of Al Jolson and Ruby Keeler. When Kim comes down with a bug, it is up to Lucille to take her place.

 

1.2. -- Lucy Meets Laurette Taylor

Lucille is stunned one day when her all-time favourite stage actress, Laurette Taylor, comes into the Unique Employment Agency. On the coast for another one of her doomed screen tests, she asks Lucille to look through her files to come up with the perfect girl not only to be her secretary, but also to hold her barf bucket, which she never leaves home without. Naturally, Lucille thinks she's the ideal candidate for the job and takes a leave of absence from the employment agency. Things go well, until Miss Taylor remembers one unfortunate incident back in 1908 at the Palace Theatre in Jamestown when an overeager redheaded theatre usher hustled her out of the theatre mid-performance, mistaking her unusually natural performance for some random woman who had wandered on the stage.

 

Special Guest Star: Laurette Taylor

 

1.3 -- Lucille & The Central Station Chase

Seeing Harry off on a business trip to San Francisco, Lucille is handed a Workers newspaper on her way to the platform. Wrapped inside the paper were plans for an upcoming attack and Lucille, Harry, Kim and Craig find themselves in the middle of a potential Bolshevik uprising which can only be thwarted through some strategically thrown pies. 

 

Guest Star: Erich Von Stroheim

 

1.4 -- Ironman Carter and his Merry Men

(Okay, I've melded the two series. Sue me!) Warners has had enough of the antics of Erroll Flynn and have told him that the next time he wants to go on a bender he needs to find his own double so they can work around him. His assistant comes to call at the Unique Employment Agency to see if they have anyone who can don the requisite green tights for The Adventures of Robin Hood because Mr. Flynn has decided to spend the upcoming weekend chasing some jail bait. Harry, wanting to keep any salary in the family, so to speak, convinces Lucille to dust off Iron Man Carter one more time to do the job! Unfortunately, this also happens to be the weekend where Olivia de Havilland decides to take Flynn up on one of his many, many offers.

 

Special Guest Stars: Erroll Flynn, Olivia de Havilland

 

1.5 -- Lucille Meets Rudy Vallee

No changes necessary.

 

1.6 -- Lucille and Vivian Vance

Lucille's good friend, Vivian Begonia Jones, motors into Los Angeles for two weeks of mooching, sight seeing and star gazing. On numerous studio tours, Lucille and Viv are excited to see they are being treated like royalty. They can't figure out just why, but they enjoy it to the hilt and take full advantage of it. Things become clear, however, on a visit to Grauman's when three excited teenagers run up to Viv to ask for her autograph. They then learn that Marie Dressler has gone blonde for her latest picture and she decides then and there she wants a full Hollywood makeover and Lucille is all too happy to oblige.

 

Special Guest Star: Vivian Vance

 

1.7 -- With Viv As A Friend...

While in Hollywood, Viv re-connects with her old Cherryvale, Kansas neighbour, Louise Brooks, and the two become thick as thieves, hitting all the best Hollywood Parties, going on double dates with eligible actors, and Lucille quickly feels left out and tries to find a movie star buddy of her own to make Viv jealous.

 

Special Guest Stars: Vivian Vance, Louise Brooks

 

1.8 -- Lucille and Viv Go To Jail

With just days left in Viv's visit, Viv concludes she will be the laughing stock of Cherryvale if she didn't come home with an ultimate souvenir, so Lucille and Viv conspire to steal the second "D" off the Hollywoodland sign.

 

1.9 -- The Radio Contest

Craig wins first prize in a radio jingle contest -- a USC Trojans football game for two, accompanied by Clara Bow. Craig decides to take mom and it is an eye opening experience for them both.

 

Special Guest Star: Clara Bow, a very young John Wayne

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:lucyhaha: Keep it up! I loved all these. These two will keep me laughing all day:

 

 

1.5 -- Lucille Meets Rudy Vallee

No changes necessary.

 

 

1.9 -- The Radio Contest

Craig wins first prize in a radio jingle contest -- a USC Trojans football game for two, accompanied by Clara Bow. Craig decides to take mom and it is an eye opening experience for them both.

 

Special Guest Star: Clara Bow, a very young John Wayne

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1.10 – Lucille Meets Norma Shearer

When Carter’s Unique Employment Agency receives a call from Metro for some muscle to help control crowds at Norma Shearer’s upcoming wedding to wunderkind Irving Thalberg, Lucille conspires to wangle herself an invitation to the society event of the year. Show notes: This episode will later be recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for the most “Irving jokes” inserted to any 24 minute time span.  

 

1.11 – Lucille and Ma Hovick

Lucille is enthralled by the latest crime wave hitting Los Angeles by a female gang leader and her flock of countless midgets pulling jobs across the city, but somehow remaining still at large. Meanwhile, she’s charmed by her new neighbour Rose, her daughter Louise, and her dainty daughter June. How nice, she thinks, to have Vaudevillians living right next store. But she suddenly becomes suspicious Rose could be the now infamous crook when she spots 15 – 20 “newsboys” in the neighbours’ yard out of her bedroom window. Donning newsboy caps and tattered clothes, Lucille and Kim try to infiltrate the “mob.”

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 1.11 – Lucille and Ma Hovick

Lucille is enthralled by the latest crime wave hitting Los Angeles by a female gang leader and her flock of countless midgets pulling jobs across the city, but somehow remaining still at large. Meanwhile, she’s charmed by her new neighbour Rose, her daughter Louise, and her dainty daughter June. How nice, she thinks, to have Vaudevillians living right next store. But she suddenly becomes suspicious Rose could be the now infamous crook when she spots 15 – 20 “newsboys” in the neighbours’ yard out of her bedroom window. Donning newsboy caps and tattered clothes, Lucille and Kim try to infiltrate the “mob.”

 

:lucyhaha: !!!!

 

How do ya like them eggrolls, Mrs. Carter?

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  • 2 weeks later...

1.13

"Lucy and Miss Mae West"

When Mae West is accused of trying to sneak an XXL bustle out of Paramount, manager James Timony hires slender aspiring starlets Lucy and Ann Sothern to be weight-watching watch dogs and get her in shape for her next picture, Klondike Annie.  Lucy and Ann infiltrate Mae's inner circle by donning blackface and posing as two of Mae's coterie of maids.  When Ann runs across Mae's many hidden stashes of chocolates, she tries hiding her ballooning figure by wearing nothing but black with huge white collars and whenever Timony comes to check up on them, hides herself behind potted plants.

Timony: Eugene Pallette.  Beuhla: Ethel Waters, Louise Beavers, Hattie McDaniel

 

1.14

"Real Gone with the Wind"

Selznick announces open casting calls for the upcoming "Gone with the Wind" movie, so Lucy, Viv, Kim, Mary Jane and Vanda all vie for the choice part of Scarlett.  However Selznick only sees Scarlett potential in Barra after hearing her "bowl of hot water??" audition with her southern Brooklyn accent, but puts the others on the short list for other roles: Due to her chipmunk voice, Mary Jane is up for Prissy.  Kim is shoe-in for Melanie after Selznick witnesses how much mileage she gets out of exiting the set as very pregnant Melanie.   Viv is none too thrilled when she's offered Belle Watley, but Lucy is livid when she finds the competition for her role is Thomas Mitchell.  Lucy: "I don't care how much they pay me, I won't play her father".

 

Historical footnote: Contrary to popular belief, Lucy met her future husband on this set when, in first-round casting, Desi Arnaz and Caesar Romero were set to play the Carlton twins.

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1.15  "Lucy Meets the Fairbanks"

or " 'United' Artists"

Harry handcuffs Lucy to her desk to force her to finish her work on time, so Lucy nabs "Sam the Locksmith" to set her free, little knowing it's her idol Douglas Fairbanks in disguise to evade a mob of fans.  When "Sam" frees Lucy, she demonstrates how Harry handcuffed her in the first place and is joined at the wrist with Fairbanks, who makes Lucy so nervous she breaks the key off in the lock....just before Fairbanks is set to make a spectacular entrance for an important Hollywood press party at Pickfair,  swinging into the grand ballroom on a chandelier.

Hedda Hopper : Shirley Mitchell.  Louella Parsons: Kathryn Card.

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